Toxic Love - The Red Flags
Everyone knows that relationships are hard. But what is hard and what is toxic? Is there hope for the relationship, or was it a sinking ship from the beginning?
From a young age I always knew that any relationship - especially a long term committed relationship - requires effort. Watching the relationships of family or friends growing up it seemed everyone preached about how relationships were not the fun and fizzy fantasy paraded in front of the spotlight but instead challenging, full of compromise, hurtful, and passionate. I was already expecting to face major obstacles and hardships because that was what I saw everywhere (even in the media and books growing up the miserable spouse trope or romanticized toxic partner was way overused).
So when this expectation of struggles is already set you can see how easy it would be to accept red flags as symbols of a "real relationship".
As I look back on it now, a few years older and more experienced with the complex nature of people and relationships, I can see it for what it was. An unbalanced, unhealthy, situation of manipulation.
So if you don't know, there are a few varied red flags and patterns of behavior.
Of course there are always two perspectives of every story and I know that I was not a perfect girlfriend while in this relationship. I definitely made mistakes, like we all do. However, I think the worst thing for me was knowing the person I was before this relationship is not the person I am after this relationship.
If you have ever been in a toxic or abusive relationship then you may find some similarities to your situation or maybe you can relate to what I learned about myself. And if you have experienced an unhealthy relationship dynamic then I am so sorry for whatever you had to endure. I always say I have no regrets about the past because it has turned me into the person I am today, but I do regret the fact that in order to be this current person I had to lose the original innocent vibrant self that we all start out as.
The Red Flags
Things move really fast (dates, proclaimed feelings, the stages of the relationship are bypassed)
Things become very intimate and personal almost immediately (introductions to family, friends, integrated into their life)
The relationship is labeled by them very quickly (they call you girlfriend/boyfriend, or they want the relationship to go a certain way)
They are overly needy/clingy/demanding of you (they want to talk constantly, be around you all the time, want location details, full details on event plans, don't party without them, let them know if men were there)
Communication becomes a demand or weapon (constantly calling, texting, messaging, gets upset if ignored, contact others potentially around, gps tracking)
They are looking for a savior, or put you on a pedestal (typically there are struggles with addiction, they want a mental or emotional savior, they call you perfect)
They blame all their past relationships failures on their exes (they claim never did anything wrong in past relationships)
Their personality changes depending on the situation (different around family, other friends, at parties, or when inebriated)
They find ways for you to depend solely on them (linked bank accounts, phones, social medias, cars, housing, isolate you from family or friends)
They are always the victim in every situation (they never take responsibility for their actions or mistakes)
They try to control finances, plans, company, your looks (they make the major financial decisions, you're unable to hangout with friends, take solo trips, attend certain places/events, tell you effort with your appearance doesn't matter)
Refusal to better themselves or see themselves from the opposite perspective (take it or leave it mentality, this is me, no room for improvement, I don't need therapy or medication)
You are in constant stress, anxiety, despair (walking on eggshells, avoiding talking to them, feeling trapped or hopeless)
You miss the people you were in the beginning (loosing your identity, feeling like you aren't the same people)
You are waiting for them to be who they say they will be or who you hope they will be (you cannot wait for someone to be what they are not, don't wait for potential or empty promises)
Jealousy or insecurities that won't go away (feeling insecure about themselves or you, feeling jealous towards you or someone in your life)
Is There Hope?
Your relationship and the circumstances will determine if there is hope to save the relationship and develop a healthy love. If any or all of the patterns of toxicity above are present then you next have to assess if both partners are willing to work on themselves and each other. If both partners express not just a desire but a real effort as well for change and positive progress then there is hope for the relationship. If you or your partner feel that there isn't a need for improvement or change, then you may need to assess if the relationship should continue.
If you are wanting to improve and continue with the relationship then a few signs of positive change are below:
They are willing to accept the need for change and invest real effort
Responsibility is taken for the hurts or conflicts of the past
A place of healthy compromise can be made
You may look for outside or professional help
Use of healthy communication
Respect and empathy
The Fine Line Between Toxicity And Abuse?
Sometimes it's hard to tell if things are toxic or abusive. I feel the longer a toxic relationship has gone on, the harder it is to spot the abuse. Mental, emotional, and verbal abuse are most often overlooked as being serious since it doesn't pose a physical danger. But I believe it is just as dangerous, if not more so, because you at your core are your thoughts and emotions. If your thoughts and emotions are constantly in turmoil it can manifest in physical ways such as sickness, loss of weight, and developed mental illness. Unfortunately you cannot change abusers and their behavior, if you find you are in an abusive relationship I hope the resources here are helpful.
They gaslight, insult, and degrade you
They find ways to isolate you from family and friends
If they are aggressive with you or objects
If they make financial decisions with little to no input from you
If they are unsupportive of your career, education or hobbies
Threatening to harm themselves should you leave or disobey their wishes
If you suspect you may be in an abusive relationship please reach out. You deserve a life of respect, happiness, and love. Below are some resource options. Trust in yourself if you feel something.
https://www.thehotline.org
https://www.thehotline.org/news/new-national-teen-dating-abuse-helpline/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
What did I learn from this relationship?
Some people in your life are permanent, some are temporary.
Some people are supposed to teach you a lesson or give you certain experiences.
If you see the direction or path leading to a person/situation you don't want for yourself, accept that it is not for you, and realize you have the power to change it.
If you can’t explain it, but something keeps telling you to go, or to stay, or to try that thing you’ve always wanted, follow that feeling.
Trust yourself.
The amount of respect, compassion, and love you will find - not only in a healthy relationship - but in yourself, is alone the biggest advocate for leaving a situation that does not serve you.
You can’t be yourself if you don’t know who you are. You will never find yourself if those around you are only interested in hiding who you are.
Get out there. Find yourself. Love Yourself. Give yourself everything you possibly can. And live and love like art - beautifully.
The Relationship
I feel like I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Even from a young age I knew what was important to me, I had fairly strong morals and beliefs. As I got older it seemed that my identity continued to grow and I felt the potential of my future was shining in front of me, within my reach.
As I was really stepping into my young adult woman's identity I entered into a relationship with no expectations or concrete plans about my future yet. My goal at that point was to continue having fun, and keep working on making my dreams a reality. I was passionate about music, art, fashion, ways of expressing yourself in as many available facets as possible.
I was 17 when I met this ex boyfriend. He was 22 or 23 at the time. Initially we were coworkers, but after my 18th birthday he made the move to ask me out. I had been single for a while, just doing my thing ya know, so I was coming from a place of loneliness which wasn’t the best on my part. For whatever reason, I go out with this person. And on that very first date, they already were claiming me as theirs. I distinctly remember him saying “MINE” a few times. Had I known what I know now, this would have sent me running. It was on our second date that they said “well you're my girlfriend.” And it was kind of surprising to me. Usually in my past experience or recounts of flings from my friends the guys were not as excited about defining the exclusivity of the relationship. I remember saying that we could take things slowly. I had never had a serious committed relationship at that time and was still processing life’s earlier traumas and my internal self after dealing with PTSD and depression for a few years. I was very assertive with my decision to move slowly and would have to reiterate this multiple times over the course of the next couple of weeks. It was the second week of us dating that he told me he had fallen in love with me. I told him at that moment that I did not feel the same way. I liked him, I thought that we could continue to get to know each other and have fun. But I was nowhere near feeling or saying those important 3 words.
Within the first couple of months he began having issues with his living arrangement with his parents. He was on probation for the first year we were together, and he was required to have a stable home environment for the completion of his sentence. At his request one night I approached my mom (who I still lived with) of him possibly staying the night to avoid a conflict at home. My mother, feeling pity and maternal worry, cautiously permitted him to stay this one night. However, after this first night it became a pattern of reasons and excuses for him to begin staying over for longer periods of time.
At the beginning of our relationship he was giving me little presents constantly. Also he found ways to begin linking us together. I still had a shared bank account with my parents and when I wanted to get something I had to coordinate my plans with them. Under the pretense of helping me get my money easier he convinces me to open a joint account with his bank. God I was so stupid. So at this point he has found a way to monitor and control me financially, which I didn’t realize would become a major trapping factor.
I remember around this time was the first time I was really having second thoughts. I brought up my desire to take a break from the relationship and my need to focus more on myself. Immediately he has a breakdown and spouts off his feelings for me, how he needed me, and ends with a not so subtle threat of harming himself and returning to drugs should I leave him. I wish this had been the moment I realized what the dynamic of the relationship was and ended things. Out of guilt and fear for his well being, I chose to keep dating him.
About 6 months into the relationship he is pretty much unofficially living at my family's house. He begins talking about marriage and children and his hopes for the future. I did and still do have that same hope for all of these things but later in life. I had plans to begin traveling, go to college, and begin a career in entertainment. I still wanted to enjoy being 18.
My best friend and I ended up getting our own apartment together. This was an opportunity for me to stretch my newly independent wings and get a taste of adult life. I was working full time, enjoying the space with my friend, and still trying not to take things too seriously in my relationship. He kind of transferred his habit of hanging out constantly with me at my parent’s house over to our apartment. I remember my best friend and I expressing to him that he needed to respect that the apartment was ours and he couldn’t just camp out.
Now this apartment situation wasn’t super long lived for me and my bestie. When I moved back to my parents house his pattern of staying around as long as possible picked right back up. This time, we were both working, living separately with our parents, and sharing his cheap tote the note vehicle back and forth for work.
At this point we’ve been dating about 7 or 8 months. I’m at work one day and he shows up in the middle of my waitress shift. While I’m working on the patio he interrupts lunch to proclaim his feelings and love for me and to my shock, he proposes right there. I actually have this moment on video. You know how they get other people in on it and record or take photos? Yeah. He had a few of my coworkers sneakily filming the proposal thinking we would look back on this moment with fondness, and ugh- I don't like watching the video because in the video, you can tell or I can tell because I remember these feelings in the moment, But in the video I’m visibly surprised of course, but I’m so uncomfortable and anxious, I can tell by my body language. And actually you can see a couple of tears run down my face too. Everyone else thought this was happiness but this was me crying from confusion, embarrassment, and anger.
I wanted to say no.
And if we had not been in a public space in front of so many people I would have said no. So I said yes, he put the ring on, and then he left. I had to finish working. When I got off work and went to my parents, I found my parents and siblings all excited. They oohed and ahhed over the ring and whatever and we left because he wanted to go show and tell his family. On our way over I told him that I thought it was too soon. I wanted to accomplish some personal goals before crossing that bridge. I tell him again that I was actually wanting to take a break or slow down and instead he is speeding things up.
This instigated the second version of the original panicked fight from the past and this time he is focusing on how it would be my doing that sent him on his downward spiral and back into his previous behaviour of drug addiction. My lack of compassion at the fact that he had dubbed me his saviour and lover. Yet again, hearing how volatile he is, hearing how much he cares for me, and feeling immense guilt at my reservations for commitment, I choose to stay.
After seeing older couples and other examples of relationships I figured that every relationship is hard and you just have to get through it together.
We got an apartment together, and that all but sealed the impending marriage deal in his eyes. He started referring to me as his wife, and began hyping up the events of the then nonexistent wedding.
As time went on the dynamic of the relationship changed a few times, beginning with us both working, then to only him working and me playing the role of housewife, and again to me working and him staying home. Things seemed not ideal, but not horrible to me. I felt relieved in the fact that we had plenty of time before the wedding, and I channeled my free energy into becoming happy and comfortable with the way my life was going. Our families began helping make wedding plans, and I was trying to give it my all since that's what I thought we should be doing.
I subconsciously already knew that I wasn’t happy and everyone that really knew me could tell. I pushed the wedding date back a few times over the course of the next year and a half. Each time I thought it was cold feet, or the fact that I was still young that kept me from taking the plunge. I know now it was intuition and my gut feeling.
My ex had a big problem with drinking, and in the past had a history with drugs. It was when he was drunk that some of the worst memories were made with us. When he was drunk I knew things were going one of two or three ways. 1, he would end up too intoxicated and we would have to leave 2, we would get into an argument of some sort and leave 3, or he was going to end up in a fight with someone. There were a few points where I brought his struggles with sobriety to his attention and while he said he would put forth effort for change, no real attempt was ever made to change his behaviour. And unfortunately I felt he was always enabled too easily by those supposed to care or look out for him, which is a whole additional layer of issues.
He began monitoring my social media interactions with others, especially men. All of a sudden I wasn’t allowed to sleepover at my best friend's house. If I was going somewhere he needed all the details - who,where,what,when, and if he was not on the invite list as well then I probably wasn’t going. He called me constantly when I wasn’t home and if I didn’t keep in contact or reply fast enough it became a reason for conflict or suspicion. I had always loved dressing differently or even a little more on the sexy side and he started to make comments about me dressing up everywhere I went. Who was I trying to impress? Why did it matter if I put makeup on? No one cares how you look anyway. His temper was very short and boiling hot. It only got worse depending on the situation or his levels of sobriety. He began to break things in the house during our fights. I didn’t realize how bad it was getting until one of my neighbors began calling the cops everytime we had an argument. He would be livid over someone “invading our privacy or putting an opinion in.”
I began drinking a lot more. When I was at home in our apartment I was constantly anxious, overly OCD about the house, and short-tempered when dealing with anything that irritated me. I stopped going out with friends, or to events. I stopped creating art, music, and putting in effort with my appearance. I stopped eating as much as I should be from the stress. I felt trapped with no way out, and worse still, I chose to stay. Everytime I had attempted to end things he had flipped out and instead of leaving like I should have, I stayed. And to me that meant I was choosing to stay. Choosing to be unhappy.
It’s around the 2 year mark that I began to notice a shift in the way my family and friends perceived my ex. They seemed less excited at the fact that he would be around. They seemed concerned at our home life - if only they had known what was actually going on. Both my parents would ask me every so often if I was okay and if I was happy. I didn’t think I had the right to change my mind and defend myself and what I really wanted. The answer became an easy sentence I tossed out everytime I didn’t know how to be honest.
“I’m fine. Everything is fine. We’re fine.”
My best friend at this point absolutely hated him. She was never unkind to him out of respect for me, but always showed her support for me. I remember the first moment I really stopped and noticed the toxicity.
We (me, bf, and bff) were at his parents house one day and he asked me a question about something. I don't remember the question, only that whatever I said was the incorrect answer. He verbally attacked me, calling me stupid and went off with insults. As I’m sitting there silently I glanced at his mother, who was in the room with us, hoping she would dispute his response to me. After observing their family dynamic, I understand why she responded - or I should say didn’t respond - the way she did.
She laughed, obviously uncomfortable, brushed off the display, and changed topics.
In my best friend's car on the way back to my apartment, she said to me “I cannot believe that he just spoke to you that way. I can’t believe his mother let him talk to you that way. And I can’t believe you let him talk to you that way. You have never let someone go at you like that. That was not okay.”
It was like I had been asleep for the past 2 years. Her statement woke me up. That bounced around in my head for the next couple of days and as I noticed more and more how negative our relationship actually had grown. I was appalled and enraged at myself and also at this supposedly grown man who claimed to be a caring, responsible person. I took a seat inside myself, and compared who I was at 17/18 to who I was becoming at 20/21. I saw all of the pieces of me that I felt I had lost over the last couple of years. I saw what I still wanted for myself. I saw everything that I didn’t want. I saw the future I would have if I stayed where I was, and didn’t do anything.
With the wedding plans still being made, and the set date approaching, I felt like I was racing to find myself a way out before it was really final. I took inventory of everything that we were connected to each other on. Banks, Car, Phones, Credit Cards, Media, Housing. Thankfully the lease term for our shared apartment was about to end, so it would be less stressful with that off the table. I started separating out my important papers, and important personal items. When I went to my parents that day with a few things of mine, I asked them to keep these things safe for me. When they asked me again how I was, and if I was happy, I finally broke. I told them how trapped, and lonely and hopeless I felt about my current relationship and situation.
With immense guilt and remorse I told them that I would like to cancel the wedding date that was at that point around 6 months away. I felt horribly for the money they had spent in preparation and planning for the wedding, that now wouldn't even happen. My dad didn’t focus on the money aspect, instead both my parents were relieved that I was making the choice to do what I felt was right for me.
The hardest part of the relationship and the breakup is actually feeling normal again. Feeling like yourself again.
The breakup itself was messy. It was loud, destructive, and sad. I felt like I was destroying a person who wanted me to save them, simultaneously destroying a life I had promised to give them.
With my family's help I managed to retrieve a good amount of my things - save a few casualties. They moved me back into their house so I could take time getting back on my feet. The next battle was separating all of our shared assets and accounts. My credit took a massive hit from having to close the bank accounts, phone lines, and accrued debt.
But even as much of a struggle it was to crumble everything I had, and rebuild it all over again, it was worth it. And so much less painful than the duration of our relationship. It’s not the easiest thing to talk about and it’s much more complex than I’m able to completely go into here.
It’s been almost 2 years since that relationship ended and I feel like only just this summer in 2021 have I recovered. It took a while to get back to a healthy weight, begin sleeping regularly, stop walking on eggshells, and start dressing like myself again.
Unlearning the unhealthy and toxic habits and communications from a bad relationship is hard. But relearning what you enjoy and what you want to do and who you always were underneath everything is what took the longest. And I will say that the first healthy relationship you go into after a toxic one is so refreshing, so shockingly normal, that it takes a minute to adjust to it as well. Still it amazes me that I can say do or feel something important or not, and it never has escalated once to even the lowest levels of toxicity and abuse from my past relationship.
